Spring

Okay, I get it. It's spring. Everybody is supposed to be out there in the sunlight smiling and suffering sunburn. I agree spring is a renewing of mind, body and spirit, but do I have to like it? I awoke this morning with my typical hangover. I'm old, so I don't sleep good. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and have a helluva time getting back to sleep, so I lie there and think of ways to kill people for not sympathizing with me. -- not really -- I love people. I must. I was a psychotherapist specializing in addicts and alcoholics. I must love people, right? Right. Bullshit. What being a therapist really teaches you is how well people hide themselves within themselves. Spring reminds me of this human malady. Every winter, the ground gets cold and puts the trees and grass a sleep. But it hides other things as well. Little rootnotnematodes [sp] and bugly little assholes within it's sleeping core. And the trees...oh, their the worst. There they are all naked and, you would think, honest, but no...they are hiding their sap under the soil only to pop out anew with a simple change of temperature. People are like spring. They hide their motivations behind mannerisms. They smile when the really should be frowning. I remember a 22 year old addict died a few days after leaving inpatient treatment by shooting meth in a now-clean vein. At the funeral, they parents said [with a smile] "he's in a better place now. He's at peace." Really? How do they know. Seems like the poor kid was using drugs to 'find' peace. Of course, I could be wrong. He could be up there on a cloud smiling down on my sarcastic butt and saying, "see Johnny, there is a God and he loves me." I hope that's true and like the new spring greenery, this boy will sprout again at the Resurrection. My favorite time of the year is fall. In the fall, all the spring fumbling and summer denials are withering and dying and the 'real' truth shows itself. Fall is also beautiful. Look at the colors! Magnificent. Now you see what life is really like in all its glory. I love the pomposity of fall and the gloriousness of its exit. I hate winter. Winter is death. I bet if a study was done [I bet this has been done somewhere by someone] that most people die during winter...percentage-wise. I have three sons: one son in mid summer of his life, one son in early summer of his life and one son in the late spring of his life. I have two grandchildren in the early spring of their lives. My hope is that they will find themselves in the gloriousness of fall with few regrets. It's hard to get through this life without regrets, but the fewer the better is my philosophy. Looking back, I have regrets...many...too many. But I have the one thing I searched for all my life: love. Love of my wife, love of my kids and, this sounds conceited, but I assure you it's not, love of my self. Usually, I'm more upbeat, but today...well, today I just feel morosely benign.